IT SUCKS!......
This is the kind of day I'm having. I love all the trials I have gone through but this one is just poopie. I mean I try to be positive and happy and an example while going through this but it's HARD! First I wanna walk ya through my finding out the 'news' ..............
Thinking you might be pregnant, yeah it's exciting even for me, but when you've peed on the stick and had as many positive lines as I have you begin to wonder if this is a good thing or not. Seven uh huh 7 miscarriages and 2 of those were tubal or ectopic pregnancies, so it's a little hard for me to get excited when that positive line shows up! Now that's when the stress starts..... I just wait for that day to start when I see that dreaded red stuff, (sorry) oh but wait it gets better... Going to the Dr. and being poked and prodded, Blood sucked out of my body (blood suckers;)) and that blasted wand (you know what I'm talking about) and seeing that image on the screen................ Having the Dr. say "I'm sorry" and feel like your all alone............. Going in for repeated blood draws and the nurses all know you by first name. ( I love my Dr.'s office! no, really I do!! :)) So now starts the pain both physically and emotionally. This is where you just wanna stay holed up in your room and just sleep forever but I don't. I go to work and try to look normal, some people know when I'm going through a miscarriage at the time but I don't like to have a pitty party, I just try to be ME! I have learned that I can live through the physical pain with no problem but later when the emotional pain sets in that's a little harder to handle...................... Now even later when physically I feel great is when I notice small things............ the pregnant lady, the new born babies, the mom with tons of kids who is always complaining about them, the baby showers, walking past the baby isle.............. all that stuff is freakin' hard! Is it ok for me to be hurt and mad and and and ugh frustrated?? Heck yea it is and it doesn't make me less of a person! Give me all your 'kid' problems and I will gladly take em :) Do I laugh.....you better believe it cuz life is to short! I am a crazy, fun girl, yes I am a GIRL!!!(kid at heart) I want to have fun with my life and if the hubby and I can't have kids in this life then I know we are gonna have a boat (zoo) load of em in the life after!! woo hoo!!! So please just laugh, cry and have fun with me!! ps. Yes I have a wonderful, beautiful, perfect daughter but I have to say this just in case someone is thinking 'well she at least has her' .............My wonderful husband doesn't have any kids and it breaks my heart that I (me!) can't give him that one thing that he so deeply wants! (more than our families even understand)
So that was that and I'm glad I could vent and hopefully express myself and why I am me! :) But don't get me wrong I am sooooo grateful for my life and everything, EVERYTHING, I have! I am so very aware of the love of my Heavenly Father who trusts me enough to let me experience infertility and all that comes along with it! I can not deny that I know He is aware of me and my struggles and I can and do feel His love all around me..............it's called FAMILY and FRIENDS!! :) LOVE you ALL!!
